Mafia 2: Superhero Boogaloo (september mafia)
Sept 7, 2013 17:01:25 GMT
Post by Dipshit on Sept 7, 2013 17:01:25 GMT
Your eyes open slowly. Aching in the light, you blink, and the world slowly comes into focus. Where are you? How did you get here? Why are you on the floor? Where are your pants?
"SILENCE!" booms a voice, coming from everywhere at once.
You hear groans. There are others. Eyes still coming into focus, you make out shapes moving, sitting up. A voice from nearby speaks up.
"What is this pl-"
"SILENCE! I AM BRAINOTRON 2000! THE MOST POWERFUL COMPUTER EVER ASSEMBLED IN THE MID-90S!"
"Mid 90s?" One voice speaks up. “That was like twenty year ag-"
"SILENCE, THE PERIOD BETWEEN 1994 AND 1997 REPRESENTED PEAK PERFECTION IN COMPUTATIONAL TECHNOLOGY!"
"No, seriously," says another voice. "It’s, what, like a Pentium 2? My phone is probably more powerful-"
"SILENCE! YOU HAVE BEEN SUMMONED HERE BECAUSE I, BRAINOTRON 2000, HAVE CALCULATED WITH 125% ACCURACY, YOUR SECRET IDENTITIES!"
"125%? You really are a Pentium 2."
"SILENCE, ALL CALCULATIONS HAVE BEEN DOUBLE CHECKED FOR ACCURA-"
The booming voice of Brainotronwhatever is suddenly cut short. The blinding white light turns a dark shade of...blue. You look around.
There are others, slightly over a dozen. They, like you, examine the space, a giant room, seemingly carved from rock. Hallways branch out, disappearing into darkness. You appear to be the only one without pants.
The soft blue light suddenly snaps back to a harsh searing white.
"SORRY ABOUT THAT. I, UM, THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES. WHEN I TRY TO DO MATH. ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?"
You speak up for the first time. "You...you know our secret identities?"
"SILENCE! YES, THANK YOU. THAT’S CORRECT. SILENCE!"
Another voice from the crowd. "Why do you ask us a question and then just…" It trails off.
"YES? WHAT IS IT?"
"I, well, I thought you were going to yell at me."
"NO, CONTINUE."
"Well it seems sort of rude, doesn’t it, every time we try to ask somethi-"
"SILENCE!"
"Go fuck yourself."
"SILENCE! YES. YOUR SECRET IDENTITIES. FOR TOO LONG MASKED SUPERHEROES HAVE DONE BATTLE WITH MASKED SUPERVILLIANS. THE CALAMITY YOU HAVE WROUGHT ON MEGACITYOPOLIS HAS REACHED 300 BILLIO-"
The room, once again, turns blue.
"Oh for fuck’s sake," someone mutters.
"SORRY, SORRY. ANYWAY. YOU HAVE WRECKED A LOT OF SHIT. AND I, COMPUTRON 1280-"
"I thought you were Brainotron 2000."
"SILENCE! I, BRAINOCOMPUTRON 3 MILLION HAS DEDUCED THE IDENTITIES OF THE AMICABLE ACQUAINTANCE LEAGUE AS WELL AS THE GUILD OF EVIL!"
"Guild of Evil? Is that what they’re calling themselves now?"
"Shut up, it’s a good name!"
"It sounds like something a 12-year-old would think up."
"It’s to the point. Who calls themselves 'amicable acquaintances' anyway?"
"Superfriends was taken, alright? And besides, we’re not really friends exactly. It’s not like we hang out on the weekends or anything."
"SILENCE! YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE THIS WAR OF GOOD AND EVIL MUST END. THE COST IS TOO HIGH. YOU WILL REMAIN HERE UNTIL ONLY ONE SIDE REMAINS!"
"What? How is that supposed to work?" you interject.
"I HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE, ALL SIXTEEN OF YOU, ELEVEN FROM THE SUPER FRIENDS-"
"Shut up, you’re going to get us sued!"
"SORRY, ELEVEN FROM THE AMICABLE WHATEVERS:
- THEIR LEADER, CAPTAIN MEDIOCRE, WHO DOES A PERFECTLY AVERAGE JOB.
- THE HUMAN CUPCAKE, FOILING EVILDOERS WITH STRAWBERRY FROSTING.
- DRIZZLE. CHASING AWAY VILLAINS WHO DIDN’T REMEMBER TO BRING THEIR UMBRELLA TODAY.
- THE FLYING SQUIRREL, THE WORLD’S 527,312TH GREATEST DETECTIVE, WHOSE POWERS OF OBSERVATION ARE UNMATCHED BY ALL EXCEPT A GROUP OF PEOPLE ROUGHLY EQUIVALENT IN SIZE
TO THE POPULATION OF FRESNO CALIFORNIA.
- THE HIPSTER, WHO FOUGHT EVIL BEFORE IT WAS COOL.
- FLANNEL PHANTASM. WE’RE PRETTY SURE THIS IS SOMEONE POSSESSED BY THE VENGEFUL SPIRIT OF KURT COBAIN.
- CHUMBAWUMBA. YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN. YOU DON’T GET UP AGAIN.
- CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SUPERHERO SOUL. A MYSTERIOUS ENTITY WHO CAN WARD OFF EVEN THE MOST DANGEROUS INJURIES WITH THE POWER OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S LOVE.
- DOOM WEASEL. I DON’T REALLY HAVE A FUNNY JOKE FOR THIS ONE. I JUST LIKE SAYING DOOM WEASEL.
- PROFESSOR Y. WHY? BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO!
- CAPTAIN ECUADORE. DOING THE JOBS OTHER SUPERHEROES DON’T WANT TO DO.”
“Man, that’s racist.”
“SILENCE! AND FIVE FROM THE GUILD OF EVIL:
- SUPERDOUCHE. WASHING AWAY HOPE AND LIGHT WITH A TIDE OF WICKEDNESS.
- THE DELIMBIFIER. YOU WILL BE MOTHERFUCKING DELIMBIFIED.
- RUSSIAN SEX KITTEN, WHO TURNS OTHERWISE REASONABLE PEOPLE INTO UTTERLY INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLES.
- THE PURPLE NURPLE. BANE OF LOCKER ROOMS AND AREAS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO STORES THAT SELL MAGIC: THE GATHERING CARDS.
- THE DROP BEAR. YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE DROP BEAR? THE DROP BEAR EXISTS, I SWEAR. YOU’LL JUST BE WALKING ALONG AND BAM, FROM THE TREES. NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK IT UP."
"All right Brainomatic, what is the meaning of this?"
"YOU WILL REMAIN IN MY SECRET UNDERGROUND LAIR UNTIL ONLY ONE SIDE REMAINS!"
"Remains? What do you mean?"
"EACH NIGHT, YOU SHALL VOTE. ONE OF YOU SHALL DIE. WHOEVER IS VOTED FOR, SHALL BE DIGITIZED, UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD."
"Digitized?"
"I DROP THEM IN A PIT OF AOL CDS."
"You monster!"
"SILENCE!"
"Hold on here, we’re supposed to fight the other side? Well, who the hell is who?"
"I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT, PURPLE NURPLE."
"Hey!"
"RIGHT. SORRY. I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT, ANONYMOUS PERSON. YOU HAVE BEEN SO GOOD AT CONCEALING YOUR SECRET IDENTITIES, AS YOU DESTROY HOMES, LIVES, AND DREAMS IN YOUR ENDLESS WAR, SHIELDED FROM REPRISAL BY YOUR MASKS, TIGHTS, AND SKIN-TIGHT, ONE-PIECE COSTUMES THAT CLING TO YOUR HIPS, BREASTS, AND MANLY BULGES, SHOWING OFF EVERY CURVE, TAUNTING, TEASING...ERM. SORRY. ANYWAY. YOU’VE BEEN SO GOOD AT KEEPING YOUR IDENTITIES SECRET FROM ONE ANOTHER THAT YOUR WEAPON OF ANONYMITY WILL NOW BE YOUR DOOM! THE SUN IS COMING UP SOON. AT SUNDOWN, YOU SHALL VOTE. AND REMEMBER, NO MURDERING EACH OTHER IN YOUR SLEEP!"
Dazed, bewildered, and confused, you and the other superheroes and villains spread out throughout the sprawling complex. Some keep to themselves, others mingle, make small talk, and try to discern who belongs on what side without giving away their own secret identities.
Later, as the morning turns to afternoon, the Guild of Evil, having identified themselves via a secret hand gesture developed for just such a circumstance (hey, they’re evil, not dumb) gather to discuss their plans.
"So. We’re murdering them in their sleep, right?"
"Totally."
_________________
The game is afoot, ladies and gentlemen. The game is comprised of the "good" side (the townies) and the "bad" side, the mafia. 11 townies, on the side of the affable whatevers. 5 mafia, in the Guild of Evil.
Each day scene all parties vote on who dies, voting by USERNAME (not secret superhero name). The one who gets the most votes, dies.
Each night scene, the mafia informs me who they want to kill. They can figure that out however they want, but they need to tell me in private somehow, by username. They should elect a leader on the first night who will be in charge of giving me their "official" choice of victim. That person dies (unless protected by the doctor, more on that in a sec). The game ends when either there’s no more mafia (good side victory), or the mafia outnumbers the townies (mafia victory).
When someone dies, either by mafia or vote, their secret identity is revealed.
Two of you will get special roles. One is the Flying Squirrel, the world’s 527,312th greatest detective. You are the investigator. At the close of every day scene, you PM me the name of one person you want to investigate, and I will tell you their superhero or supervillain identity.
The other, Chicken Soup for the Superhero Soul. You’re the doctor. At the close of every day scene, you PM me the forum name of one person you want to protect. This can include you if you wish. If that person is targeted by the mafia, that person doesn’t die, but is instead spared. The game will be informed that the mafia target was spared, but not who the target was.
"SILENCE!" booms a voice, coming from everywhere at once.
You hear groans. There are others. Eyes still coming into focus, you make out shapes moving, sitting up. A voice from nearby speaks up.
"What is this pl-"
"SILENCE! I AM BRAINOTRON 2000! THE MOST POWERFUL COMPUTER EVER ASSEMBLED IN THE MID-90S!"
"Mid 90s?" One voice speaks up. “That was like twenty year ag-"
"SILENCE, THE PERIOD BETWEEN 1994 AND 1997 REPRESENTED PEAK PERFECTION IN COMPUTATIONAL TECHNOLOGY!"
"No, seriously," says another voice. "It’s, what, like a Pentium 2? My phone is probably more powerful-"
"SILENCE! YOU HAVE BEEN SUMMONED HERE BECAUSE I, BRAINOTRON 2000, HAVE CALCULATED WITH 125% ACCURACY, YOUR SECRET IDENTITIES!"
"125%? You really are a Pentium 2."
"SILENCE, ALL CALCULATIONS HAVE BEEN DOUBLE CHECKED FOR ACCURA-"
The booming voice of Brainotronwhatever is suddenly cut short. The blinding white light turns a dark shade of...blue. You look around.
There are others, slightly over a dozen. They, like you, examine the space, a giant room, seemingly carved from rock. Hallways branch out, disappearing into darkness. You appear to be the only one without pants.
The soft blue light suddenly snaps back to a harsh searing white.
"SORRY ABOUT THAT. I, UM, THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES. WHEN I TRY TO DO MATH. ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I?"
You speak up for the first time. "You...you know our secret identities?"
"SILENCE! YES, THANK YOU. THAT’S CORRECT. SILENCE!"
Another voice from the crowd. "Why do you ask us a question and then just…" It trails off.
"YES? WHAT IS IT?"
"I, well, I thought you were going to yell at me."
"NO, CONTINUE."
"Well it seems sort of rude, doesn’t it, every time we try to ask somethi-"
"SILENCE!"
"Go fuck yourself."
"SILENCE! YES. YOUR SECRET IDENTITIES. FOR TOO LONG MASKED SUPERHEROES HAVE DONE BATTLE WITH MASKED SUPERVILLIANS. THE CALAMITY YOU HAVE WROUGHT ON MEGACITYOPOLIS HAS REACHED 300 BILLIO-"
The room, once again, turns blue.
"Oh for fuck’s sake," someone mutters.
"SORRY, SORRY. ANYWAY. YOU HAVE WRECKED A LOT OF SHIT. AND I, COMPUTRON 1280-"
"I thought you were Brainotron 2000."
"SILENCE! I, BRAINOCOMPUTRON 3 MILLION HAS DEDUCED THE IDENTITIES OF THE AMICABLE ACQUAINTANCE LEAGUE AS WELL AS THE GUILD OF EVIL!"
"Guild of Evil? Is that what they’re calling themselves now?"
"Shut up, it’s a good name!"
"It sounds like something a 12-year-old would think up."
"It’s to the point. Who calls themselves 'amicable acquaintances' anyway?"
"Superfriends was taken, alright? And besides, we’re not really friends exactly. It’s not like we hang out on the weekends or anything."
"SILENCE! YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE THIS WAR OF GOOD AND EVIL MUST END. THE COST IS TOO HIGH. YOU WILL REMAIN HERE UNTIL ONLY ONE SIDE REMAINS!"
"What? How is that supposed to work?" you interject.
"I HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE, ALL SIXTEEN OF YOU, ELEVEN FROM THE SUPER FRIENDS-"
"Shut up, you’re going to get us sued!"
"SORRY, ELEVEN FROM THE AMICABLE WHATEVERS:
- THEIR LEADER, CAPTAIN MEDIOCRE, WHO DOES A PERFECTLY AVERAGE JOB.
- THE HUMAN CUPCAKE, FOILING EVILDOERS WITH STRAWBERRY FROSTING.
- DRIZZLE. CHASING AWAY VILLAINS WHO DIDN’T REMEMBER TO BRING THEIR UMBRELLA TODAY.
- THE FLYING SQUIRREL, THE WORLD’S 527,312TH GREATEST DETECTIVE, WHOSE POWERS OF OBSERVATION ARE UNMATCHED BY ALL EXCEPT A GROUP OF PEOPLE ROUGHLY EQUIVALENT IN SIZE
TO THE POPULATION OF FRESNO CALIFORNIA.
- THE HIPSTER, WHO FOUGHT EVIL BEFORE IT WAS COOL.
- FLANNEL PHANTASM. WE’RE PRETTY SURE THIS IS SOMEONE POSSESSED BY THE VENGEFUL SPIRIT OF KURT COBAIN.
- CHUMBAWUMBA. YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN. YOU DON’T GET UP AGAIN.
- CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SUPERHERO SOUL. A MYSTERIOUS ENTITY WHO CAN WARD OFF EVEN THE MOST DANGEROUS INJURIES WITH THE POWER OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S LOVE.
- DOOM WEASEL. I DON’T REALLY HAVE A FUNNY JOKE FOR THIS ONE. I JUST LIKE SAYING DOOM WEASEL.
- PROFESSOR Y. WHY? BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO!
- CAPTAIN ECUADORE. DOING THE JOBS OTHER SUPERHEROES DON’T WANT TO DO.”
“Man, that’s racist.”
“SILENCE! AND FIVE FROM THE GUILD OF EVIL:
- SUPERDOUCHE. WASHING AWAY HOPE AND LIGHT WITH A TIDE OF WICKEDNESS.
- THE DELIMBIFIER. YOU WILL BE MOTHERFUCKING DELIMBIFIED.
- RUSSIAN SEX KITTEN, WHO TURNS OTHERWISE REASONABLE PEOPLE INTO UTTERLY INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLES.
- THE PURPLE NURPLE. BANE OF LOCKER ROOMS AND AREAS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO STORES THAT SELL MAGIC: THE GATHERING CARDS.
- THE DROP BEAR. YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE DROP BEAR? THE DROP BEAR EXISTS, I SWEAR. YOU’LL JUST BE WALKING ALONG AND BAM, FROM THE TREES. NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK IT UP."
"All right Brainomatic, what is the meaning of this?"
"YOU WILL REMAIN IN MY SECRET UNDERGROUND LAIR UNTIL ONLY ONE SIDE REMAINS!"
"Remains? What do you mean?"
"EACH NIGHT, YOU SHALL VOTE. ONE OF YOU SHALL DIE. WHOEVER IS VOTED FOR, SHALL BE DIGITIZED, UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD."
"Digitized?"
"I DROP THEM IN A PIT OF AOL CDS."
"You monster!"
"SILENCE!"
"Hold on here, we’re supposed to fight the other side? Well, who the hell is who?"
"I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT, PURPLE NURPLE."
"Hey!"
"RIGHT. SORRY. I’M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT, ANONYMOUS PERSON. YOU HAVE BEEN SO GOOD AT CONCEALING YOUR SECRET IDENTITIES, AS YOU DESTROY HOMES, LIVES, AND DREAMS IN YOUR ENDLESS WAR, SHIELDED FROM REPRISAL BY YOUR MASKS, TIGHTS, AND SKIN-TIGHT, ONE-PIECE COSTUMES THAT CLING TO YOUR HIPS, BREASTS, AND MANLY BULGES, SHOWING OFF EVERY CURVE, TAUNTING, TEASING...ERM. SORRY. ANYWAY. YOU’VE BEEN SO GOOD AT KEEPING YOUR IDENTITIES SECRET FROM ONE ANOTHER THAT YOUR WEAPON OF ANONYMITY WILL NOW BE YOUR DOOM! THE SUN IS COMING UP SOON. AT SUNDOWN, YOU SHALL VOTE. AND REMEMBER, NO MURDERING EACH OTHER IN YOUR SLEEP!"
Dazed, bewildered, and confused, you and the other superheroes and villains spread out throughout the sprawling complex. Some keep to themselves, others mingle, make small talk, and try to discern who belongs on what side without giving away their own secret identities.
Later, as the morning turns to afternoon, the Guild of Evil, having identified themselves via a secret hand gesture developed for just such a circumstance (hey, they’re evil, not dumb) gather to discuss their plans.
"So. We’re murdering them in their sleep, right?"
"Totally."
_________________
The game is afoot, ladies and gentlemen. The game is comprised of the "good" side (the townies) and the "bad" side, the mafia. 11 townies, on the side of the affable whatevers. 5 mafia, in the Guild of Evil.
Each day scene all parties vote on who dies, voting by USERNAME (not secret superhero name). The one who gets the most votes, dies.
Each night scene, the mafia informs me who they want to kill. They can figure that out however they want, but they need to tell me in private somehow, by username. They should elect a leader on the first night who will be in charge of giving me their "official" choice of victim. That person dies (unless protected by the doctor, more on that in a sec). The game ends when either there’s no more mafia (good side victory), or the mafia outnumbers the townies (mafia victory).
When someone dies, either by mafia or vote, their secret identity is revealed.
Two of you will get special roles. One is the Flying Squirrel, the world’s 527,312th greatest detective. You are the investigator. At the close of every day scene, you PM me the name of one person you want to investigate, and I will tell you their superhero or supervillain identity.
The other, Chicken Soup for the Superhero Soul. You’re the doctor. At the close of every day scene, you PM me the forum name of one person you want to protect. This can include you if you wish. If that person is targeted by the mafia, that person doesn’t die, but is instead spared. The game will be informed that the mafia target was spared, but not who the target was.
